10 Lies My Federal Government Managers Have Told Me

I have an open door policy
When I come into your office, you are totally distracted. You check your cell phone and constantly look at your computer. Some days your door is completed shut and we never see your face.

Your participation is voluntary
These are code words for mandatory participation and everyone in the office knows it. Since everyone wants to impress the boss, nobody takes this assertion seriously.

I will take it under advisement
In other words, you are screwed. What they really meant is they put your recommendation into file 13 and it will never see the light of day. They would have been better off just telling you no.

I am committed to your success
Really! What you probably mean is that you are committed to your success and you will do everything in your power to undermine my success if it benefits you.

We are one big happy family
Run away as fast as you can because what this manager is actually saying is we are certifiably dysfunctional in this office.

I treat everyone equally
Are you truly as unbiased as you say you are? Can anyone treat everyone equally? I thought if you have a brain you are biased. I would rather you treat me fairly than equally.

You have full autonomy over this project
Are you sure about that? If I do, then why are you looking over my shoulder every minute of the day? What you really mean is you have full autonomy over my project?

You need to meet me half way
Did I forget my 3rd-grade math lessons on fractions? What you genuinely mean is you want me to gravitate toward your position completely.

I have things under control
If you really had things under control, why do you have to remind us? Translation-the sh*t is getting ready to hit the fan.

I was thinking the same thing
Right! Great minds think alike. What you really mean is that you are stealing my idea.

Any other untruths from the lips of federal government managers you would like to share?