GovLoop’s Bureaucrat on Sports

Welcome to the Hokie Guru’s inaugural post on GovLoop. The Hokie Guru commonly refers to himself in the third person, similar to Jimmy from Seinfeld.

However, please do not refer to yourself in the third person when you are writing in the federal government. Remember; use “plain language.”

GovLoop has endorsed the Hokie Guru as the College Sports Expert on GovLoop; the Hokie Guru appreciates and happily accepts the invitation. During the college sports season, I will analyze the week’s top 25 NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision (formerly Division I-A) games and provide some awesome picks (yes, the Hokie Guru is full of himself regarding the analysis college football). I will also provide analysis and selective picks of the top games in NCAA Division I Mens’ Basketball.

Readers, please make sure that you take advantage of reading the Hokie Guru’s witty banter. I promise you it will be the highlight of your week in the federal government sports blogosphere that yours truly has invented.

GovLoop Blogheads, the Hokie Guru is officially a season ticketholder for the Virginia Tech Hokie football team!! It took the Hokie Guru 12 years to get off the waiting list (still, I’ve gone to Hokie football games since 1975), but my time has come, baby!!

By the way, Greg Boone, Virginia Tech Tight End, is a big, bad football player.

Two Words: Beamer Ball!!

So, without further ado, it’s time to analyze the 2008 Virginia Tech Hokie College Football Schedule:

1.) August 30, 2008 – East Carolina (Home – Charlotte, NC) – Virginia Tech Athletic Director, Jim Weaver, is making me pay for a home game in Charlotte, North Carolina (this is not a misprint and I imagine Weaver is doing his Dr. Evil laughing imitation now… “I really pulled one over on the season ticketholders.”). – Cha-Ching, Cha-Ching… The Hokie Guru can see the cash register ringing in Blacksburg, VA. – WIN

2.) September 6, 2008 – Furman (Home) – We are playing Furman… and no… this is not a character from The Smurfs or X-Men. This is Division I-AA team from South Carolina. – WIN

3.) September 13, 2008 – Georgia Tech (Home) – BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Teams that have insects as mascots (e.g. Yellow Jackets) have a horrible winning percentage in Blacksburg, VA. – WIN

4.) September 20, 2008 – North Carolina (Away) – Wine, cheese, and tents. Yes, this is Tar Heel tailgating. How disgusting. I would never drink wine at a football game (or in a government building). The Hokie Guru’s preferred beverage of choice is Diet Mountain Dew. – WIN

5.) September 27, 2008 – Nebraska (Away) – Lincoln, Nebraska is the Mecca of college football. Nebraska is the Cornhusker State. The price of corn is ruining my life because I can’t buy Smart Start Cereal as often anymore!! In a close one decided by turnovers, the Hokies can or cannot quite make it. – WIN or LOSS

6.) October 4, 2008 – Western Kentucky (Home) – This is not a misprint; we have a team in their first year of Division I-A football coming to Blacksburg. And this school isn’t even near the home of Kentucky bourbon country!! LOL!! – WIN

7.) October 11, 2008 – Bye Week. Many Hokies will be recovering from bad football the week before via Natural Light or Milwaukee’s Best Light or Yuengling beer… bad, bad stuff.

8.) October 18, 2008 – Boston College – Courtesy of Tailgatefever (TF), we must punish Matt Ryan !!! Oh, I’m sorry… he graduated. – WIN

9.) October 25, 2008 – Florida $tate Univer$ity (Away) – Last year, 23 F$U athletes cheated on an online exam. How does one cheat on an online exam? It appears there is a lack of institutional control at any Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC) school in the state of Florida. – WIN

10.) November 6, 2008 – Maryland (Home) – This is a Thursday night game on ESPN in Blacksburg, Va. The Hokie Guru would like a re-run of the 2004 result. Fear the Gobbler!! – WIN

11.) November 13, 2008 – Miami (Away) – See the Hokie Guru’s comments on the lack of institutional control at any ACC school in the State of Florida. Incidentally, Miami is the alma mater of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. – WIN

12.) November 22, 2008 – Duke (Home) – The Hokie Guru’s two favorite teams are Virginia Tech and any team who plays Duke. – WIN

13.) November 29, 2008 – The ‘Hoos come to town (that’s the University of Thomas Jefferson or the University of Virginia – Home) to play the Hokies. Courtesy of TF, here are the top 10 things about beating the ‘Hoos!! – WIN

14.) December 6, 2008 – ACC Championship Game (Tampa, FL… home of the Ressler) – Virginia Tech vs. Clemson University – Virginia Tech wins because Clemson’s head coach, Tommy Bowden, cannot win a close game unless it is against his father, Bobby Bodwen, head coach at Florida $tate Univer$ity. Apparently, he has the keys to dad’s office. – WIN

And yes, the Hokie Guru is a Hokie Homer (so I guess we might or might not be playing in the national championship game.) Big Time. Please let the Hokie Guru know if you enjoyed the post. The Associated Press poll will be released in about three weeks. Ah, what fun the Hokie Guru and GovLoop will have analyzing the top 25 throughout the season… more satire to come. We have members outside the Beltway, so in the coming weeks, I will examine college football on national basis.