In 2023, I became a Federal Internal Coach through the Treasury Executive Institute’s Associate Coach Training Program. Now, I have the privilege of coaching federal employees across the nation on a variety of topics such as conflict management, personal development, leadership, work-life balance, etc. The list of topics I can discuss with clients is almost endless. Why? Because I am not the expert in this relationship, the client is.
Coaching is often confused with training, mentoring, and counseling and that is understandable given that these modes of support are focused on helping people achieve goals. One key difference in coaching is that the client is the expert, not the coach. My goal as a coach is to be a thinking partner by listening so well to people that they feel seen, heard, and motivated to make choices in the direction of their dreams.
We are constantly on autopilot and we rarely give ourselves time to think, space to feel, or room to grow. We would all benefit from a professional sounding board and thinking partner. A coach is the perfect companion for a self-development journey. In this article, I’d like to share the top three reasons I think it is beneficial to get a coach.
Time to Think
We don’t always know what we think about something until we take time to really think about it. We default to limiting beliefs that no longer serve us or beliefs that never served us but somehow got wedged into our psyche without our consent. We continue to operate on these thoughts and beliefs as if they are true and still relevant. This can leave us feeling stuck in a pattern we can’t see our way out of. That is where working with a coach can be helpful.
When we start thinking about an issue we are facing, our mind starts racing, jumping to conclusions, preparing for the worst, and it is like we hop on a familiar train of thought. Coaches step on the train as thinking partners, ask questions, offer reflections, and challenge your limiting beliefs. As the conversation progresses the metaphorical train slows down, stops, and sometimes heads in a different direction. There is a sense that something has changed — the tracks, the train, the scenery. This can happen once or several times in a session and all of a sudden there is agency and clarity and a new way of thinking.
Space to Feel
I’ve noticed that when clients feel stuck, there is a good chance that there are emotions in the way. Many of us are not great at naming emotions. We stick to the six basic ones (anger, fear, sadness, happiness, disgust, and surprise) and then move on. However, when you can pinpoint a more specific emotion you give yourself a better chance at finding the most appropriate next steps. The most appropriate solution for an issue that makes you feel anger-betrayed is likely going to be different than the best solution for feeling anger-resentment.
Many coaches including myself use the feelings wheel to help clients get clarity about how they feel, and often they are feeling several feelings at once. Once the feelings are identified and validated, there is a palpable relief and a sense of clarity. Almost immediately the client starts to identify more productive steps forward. I like to think of it like the fog in a forest hiding the path. It is hard to see what path to take if you can barely see five feet ahead. Once the emotions are felt and the message they are trying to get across becomes clear, the fog lifts, the path is clear and the obstacles seem surmountable.
Room to Grow
Once you’ve had time to think and space to feel you are on firmer ground and there is ample room to grow. This is the part where the coach helps you take all the insights you’ve gained into a more solid vision of the future you want to create and challenges you to take inspired actions to create it.
Growth is about moving towards your desired outcome while honoring your values. Understanding your true values often sounds easier than it actually is and that makes it tricky to navigate without a coach. Often we hold generic values that seem like the “right” ones to have like “family”, “friends”, “kindness”, “hard work”, etc. Coaches help you refine and redefine those values in a way that authentically fits you so that you can lean on those values as you navigate uncertainty and obstacles.
For instance, if you value family, what specifically about family do you value? When you say family who does that include? When you feel like you are honoring that value what actions are you taking? Getting to this level of clarity helps you focus on your goals with fewer distractions. If you have a vague sense that family is your core value, you may end up spending lots of time and energy trying to prioritize family and still feeling unsatisfied. Taking a deeper look at this value with a coach may help you determine if your value is more aligned with family as “connection” or family as “responsibility”. If it is the former you may want to prioritize a game night or family outing. But if it is the latter, you may prioritize a higher-paying job where you get to spend less time connecting with family but can provide more for them financially. Once this becomes clear, you can spend your limited time and energy more wisely. You can make sustainable commitments that honor your values, while moving towards your desired outcome.
Self-Coaching Tip — Write it down
Nothing beats having a good coach, but I know that coaching is not easily available to many government employees. The next best thing is to pick up your pen and start getting curious. Brains are problem-solving machines that run on curiosity. You’d be surprised how many more options, ideas, and solutions arise when you ask your brain instead of telling it. For example, instead of thinking “I should exercise more,” try asking a series of questions related to that:
- How can I increase my level of activity during the day?
- What constitutes exercise exactly?
- What values do I have around exercise?
- Where did I even get the idea that I need to exercise more?
- How much exercise is enough? Too much?
- If I exercised more what impact would that have on me? My family?
The list of questions is nearly limitless. Let curiosity be your guide. Don’t worry if you don’t come up with the answer you are looking for right away. The answers will come. Just keep asking.
Recommended Reading
- Change your Questions, Change your Life, by Marilee Adams
- The Power of Writing it Down, by Allison Fallon
- Time to Think, by Nancy Kline
- The Power of TED, by David Emerald
Nefertiti DiCosmo is a Supervisory Life Scientist for the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). She is passionate about employee engagement and coaching. Her leadership mantra is, “Prioritize people. Simplify processes. Celebrate progress.”
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